February 4, 2018

Late Night ...

Up eating a late night snack because I can't sleep. Oh and I'm fat. So ... yeah.

February 3, 2018

UNO you di'int.

I've been playing UNO & Friends on my phone, and it is turning me into a total rage monster. I get so angry at people. I know, I know -- they have to play the cards they're given. It just sucks when they give me all the WILD +4 and +2 cards and I'm left with like 20 cards by the end of the game. So I'll be sitting in my room like, Oh really bitch? Okay, so that's how it's going to be? But what angers me the most? If a person has 2 cards left and they use one to change colors ... you have to try and not play that color! Sure - you could still put down a number that matches their card, but will it really hurt to use a different color/number or pick one from the deck? It just aggravates me. Come on folks - GAME STRATEGY! And I know it's how the game goes, but I could have 2 cards left and be in second place but if I haven't racked up as many points -- then I could end up in fourth. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's a game and that I can't lose my shit over something as silly as this. And then I play another hand and someone does something to piss me off and I'm like, fuck you CUNT! Yeah. Perhaps I should start doing tai chi or something.

Stewing.

I am still insanely pissed about the TV. Why? When one of my client's passed away, I was given his TV. It reminds me of him and all the TV shows we used to watch together. How we'd have dance parties on the music stations while I'd be getting him ready for the day. And my roommate's response of, Well it's the FIOS guy's fault just really pissed me off. This guy wouldn't just unplug it from a surge protector and then plug it into the wall ... Could it just be because the TV is old? Sure. But I won't know if it was because it wasn't protected. And when I said, when I buy a new TV, it WILL BE PLUGGED INTO THE SURGE PROTECTOR, LIKE THIS ONE SHOULD HAVE ... his response? Well, I'll be sure to tell the FIOS guy when I see him. It took ALL OF MY BEING to not beat the shit out of my roommate with the remote and anything else within my reach. I'm not sure if it's because he hasn't gotten laid in a really long time or if he's just turned into a super cynical asshole, because he used to be a nice guy. So here I sit. Fuming. He asked if he should buy a new TV ... problem is, if I move out, I won't have a TV. So I need to buy a new one. My W-2's just came in, so hopefully I'll get some money back. I was going to use it to pay off my credit card, but -- whatever. I know this is so first world problems, but it's just something I don't need right now. My depression is at an all-time high right now, along with my stress level, so it's kind of like -- what the fuck? I just can't seem to get out of this funk. I don't want to go on meds, because I seem to have a bad reaction to every single medication I'm put on. So what do I do? Counseling has never helped me. Ever. I guess I'll just have to keep on keepin' on. I am going to change my diet and start working out again though. I know, I've said it all before, but this time I mean it. If that doesn't help me feel better, then I guess I'll consider the medication route.

February 2, 2018

F- U- C- MmK

So let's just discuss how fucked today was. I was working on my expense reports for work and can't find the receipts. I won't get reimbursed without the receipts. So now I'm out $331 ... I had the receipts in a pile and stashed them away to make sure that I wouldn't throw them out. I have looked everywhere for them and now cannot find them. F-U-C-K.

A fuse blew tonight and my TV won't turn back on. I, of course, googled my predicament and it was saying things like, well, if you didn't have it plugged into a surge protector ... take off the back to see if a fuse blew in the circuit board ... it could just be that the actual plug went ...

1. It was not plugged into a surge protector. Yes, I am aware that was fucking stupid. I
'm not the one that removed it from the surge protector.
2. I have no fucking idea how to replace a TV fuse, so taking off the back is fucking pointless.
3. The actual plug is working just fine. FUCK.

F-
U-
C-
K-.

Granted, this TV is old, but still. This shit pisses me off. Like I don't have enough shit going on right now? I don't feel like buying a new TV. Well, it's not really that I don't feel like it. It's more like, I can't afford to buy a new TV. And I don't know if the TV would've survived had it been plugged into the fucking surge protector. The roommate is blaming the FIOS guy, but the thing is, the FIOS guy wouldn't UNPLUG something and then plug it into a completely different socket. He would know to plug it back into the surge protector.

Oh -- yeah. The whole not swearing new year's resolution is clearly not going well. 

January 29, 2018

Lieutenant Dan

I feel like a broken record but lately I've really been missing you ... so much. What are you doing now? Where are you? Are you married? Do you have children? Are you healthy? Are you happy? ... Do you remember me? Do you ever stop and think about me? Do you miss me as much as I miss you?

I hope not. I hope you've forgotten all about me. I hope you met the perfect girl. You know, the girl that realized you were the one the moment she laid eyes on you, the girl that vowed to never break your heart. The girl that will love you forever. I wish I'd been that girl, but I was too stupid, too damaged, too -- fucked up. I hope that the two of you have the whole white picket fence, 2.5 baths, kids, dogs, and whatever else it is that soulmates have and whatever else makes you happy. Maybe no to kids, maybe several motorcycles or guitars or whatever.

I'm sad. But I know it's my fault. I took you for granted, I pushed you away, I ... I lost you.This isn't me trying to be a martyr, it's me owning up to my mistakes. Hoping that you'll feel my good wishes for you. Wherever you are.

I wish someone had told me that just because my father walked out on me when I was little, doesn't mean that all men will. Because I could be a part of something great right now. Then again, maybe this was all part of the plan. If it was, it's a shitty plan.

I'm going to be sad about this for probably my entire life. Well, maybe in my next life, we'll find each other ... and if so, I will never let you go.

January 28, 2018

Those were the days ...

I used to love the books that would give you choices and you'd get sent to certain pages, i.e. Should Ty do this (p 4) or should Ty do that (p 7). Each choice ultimately leads you to an ending that you created ... Well, the author did, but you get the idea. And then you'd re-read the book and pick different choices to get a different ending. I think each book allowed you to get 4 different endings. Sometimes I cheated. Stupid, I know ... but I just wanted a perfect ending. I suppose that's the only way I'll get one in my life, is if I read about it. Chances of me meeting and marrying either Chris Evans, Pratt, Pine OR Sebastian Stan are totally slim to none to are you fucking stupid Ty. Oh, can't forget Robert Buckley aka Major from iZombie.

I'm 32 years old and find myself wishing I could just go back to the days when the only thing that disappointed me was a bad ending to a book.


January 26, 2018

And there it is ...

I'm not really sure how to describe what I've been feeling lately. I'm lost, yet not. Sad, yet not. Aggravated, yet not. Does that make any sense?